Photo: Getty Images
Let me first say to all of you runners-up. Thanks for the effort but the money is mine! I'm going to be the one holding the winning ticket. How will I handle my new found wealth? I'll try to avoid anyone I've ever even frowned at, cause they'll want a piece. I might as well go on the record. You can read all about it in my new book "How To Spend Almost a Billion Dollars (Or Several Chapters On Things That Will Never Happen To Me)!
Chapter one: Actually claim the winning ticket. I'll want to keep it anonymous. Plus, I'll need proof for what happens in chapters two and three.
Chapter two: Find a good financial attorney. I'll need to know how to protect my winnings and how to distribute my winnings, Plus this guy will be in charge of my income taxes from now one.
Chapter three: Put the money in the bank.
Chapter four: Retire from my job. Sleep for a month.
Chapter Five: Set it up so that all my family and my closest friends are set for life
Chapter Six: Give to charities and churches. Among those I have supported through the years are St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, The Children's Miracle Network, Salvation Army. , Red Cross, American Cancer Society, Humane Society, Homeless Shelters as well as every church at which I've ever been a member.
Chapter Seven: Build my dream house.(complete with an additional house on the property in which my Mother will live.
Chapter Eight: and when that's done and the appropriate number of garage bays are constructed, buy vehicles to fill them.
Chapter Nine: Throw a Kick-Ass party, by invitation only with all of my favorite bands to come play.
Chapter Ten: Throw another Kick-Ass party for one GIANT listener appreciation party!
Chapter Eleven: dirty words, move on.
Chapter Twelve: Live life to it's fullest! It's only $790 Million (or whatever the lump some amount is, minus taxes). I hope we can get by.